Oblivious No Longer...

Oh, how I love that darling face!! She is two in the first picture, 15 months in the second picture -the time before all surgeries, procedures, owies, bubbles, drains, suture care, pokes, bruises, hospital stays, IVs, infection. It is also the age where she was so innocent. Not innocent in behaviour (don't be fooled by her adorable face :o). ), but innocent in the fact that she had no idea yet that she has something on her face that not too many others have.

That was then. This is now.....4 years later. I've mentioned it before that the window of Keziah not realizing that she looks different than others was closing. This was obvious through the comments stated here and there by her. Well, that window is most certainly closed. She knows. She is very aware of how she looks. She is very aware of how others look at her. It's not only the fact that she is almost 6 that tells us she knows. It's when she plainly told us last week:

"I don't like my face. I don't like how my face looks."

Nothing like putting tears in our eyes quicker than if we had put our hands in the very campfire that we were sitting around when she said this.

I can't remember exactly how it came up, but we were chatting around the campfire, just her, her dad, and me. We were talking about how two people at a store had asked her what happened to her eye. No one has actually asked her in awhile, so it threw us for a loop for a minute, forgetting that there really is still something "different" about her eye. And that is when she said that - about her face.

My heart stopped and my stomach dropped. I quickly looked at Nathan and didn't say anything. She clearly wanted to talk about it and so we just let her talk. And it all came out, statements like:

"I don't like it that my eye is different than everyone else's."

"I don't like it that is all hairy and that people stare at me."

And the comment that nearly did us in:

"I don't like looking in the mirror. When I brush my teeth, I always see my face, and I don't like it."

What do you say?!

While she was talking, I couldn't help but pray for wisdom. The time that the social workers "warned" us about before we adopted her has come:

• Are you ready to deal with self-esteem issues - more than what others will have to deal with?
• You realize that by adopting her, you are signing up for more questions by her and will need to help her in dealing with the fact that she looks different than most?

So we knew it would come. One day. But so soon?! When she is still so young? When no 5 year old should ever say she doesn't like looking in the mirror because of her face??!

We let her talk, and not once while she was talking did we tell her she was beautiful, that it doesn't matter that she looks different than others. Why not, you ask? Because we truly felt that we would have then dismissed her feelings. She was opening up her heart to us, so to tell her "It's not true - you are beautiful!! So people look at you, who cares?" just didn't feel like the right response at this moment. Of course, we tell her those things often - but we really felt that while she was baring her heart, now was not the time. It was time to comfort her, to let her know that we are there for her, to help her work through how she feels. And by pushing her feelings away by "disagreeing" with her just did not seem like the right option (this time).

And so we listened to our darling, beautiful daughter tell us things that no 5 year old should be saying. We held our tears in check (until after she went to bed) and validated her thoughts by letting her just say whatever she felt.

Let me tell you, it was hard! SO hard!! But so important for her to work through and talk about. And I write about it because it is all part of this journey of her and her freckle.

We ended the evening in front of the mirror so she could show me what she didn't like. She pointed to her eyebrow, as well as all the redness around her eye (scars and the skin graft under her eyebrow) and said she didn't like it because it looked like blood. I told her that we can use special stuff to cover it up a bit if she'd like, which she loved. Thankfully her and I have very similar skin tone, and so my cover up will work for her (which by the way, she hasn't asked for since this night and I have not brought it up).

I also reassured her that the redness will fade away over time, which she also was happy to hear.

Once tucked into bed, I did then tell her that while she may not like it that her face looks different than others, I said that I did - because that's how I know she is my girl! The sparkle was in her eye and she fell asleep with a smile on her face.

I then went back outside to the campfire and cried.

Did we handle it right? I don't know. You may even have disagreed with how we handled it. All I know and am comforted in is the fact that God chose us for her and her for us. And so we will continue to look to Him for all things we need to raise our daughter up to know that she IS special and beautiful - not because of her birthmark, but because she is His child. We pray that we may continue to help her to grow emotionally, that she may know that she may come to us and be heard. And we pray that this journey also helps her to be open-minded to others that may look different, that she may see past the differences and acknowledge that they are still people, people with feelings just like her.

 

 

5 Year Old Insights

We are two months post op now, with healing continuing to take place around Keziah's eye. Some days it is very red and angry looking, and other days the redness is gone. Stitches are still working their way out, which often means small infections here and there along the incision line, but clear up after a few days. Sometimes they clear up on their own, other times we need to rid of the pus. We continue to massage the scars twice a day, something we will do for another year or so.

Throughout this journey, we have always been ever curious to know what she has thought about the whole process of removing her freckle. We've always been somewhat apprehensive in our decision to remove as she has always expressed that she loves her freckle. From start to finish, Keziah was most concerned that Dr. Zuker would take all her freckle away.

One of the gifts that we gave Dr. Zuker was this, a Before and After picture of Keziah:

Before we gave it to him, I had shown it to Keziah and asked her which of the 3 pictures was her favourite. She pointed to the bottom one. I asked her why, and she says:

 

"Because I like my smile there. And I have my whole freckle."

 

Gulp.

• Did we, her parents, make a mistake by choosing to remove?!
• Will she grow up and tell us we never should have removed it?
• Will she be angry with us for making the decision for her, a decision to do something to her body/face?
• Should we have done what others chose to do, and that is wait until she is older so that she could make the decision herself as to whether to remove or not?
• Will she always wish she still had her whole freckle?

Making the decision to remove her freckle was never an easy one. It was difficult, confusing, and worrisome, with lots of sleepless nights, tears and very tight stomachs.

 

So now that we have done it, that has left us very curious to know what Keziah thinks of it all. Of course, she won't comprehend yet what all went into making such a big decision like this one, but still.....what does she think about having most of her freckle removed?

 

Well, the other day I received an email from someone who had found this blog. He was in search of what to do, as his daughter was born with a facial birthmark as well. He sent some pictures - pictures of his beauty, a little one with a large birthmark. He was looking for advice as to what to do and who to go to.

 

I decided to show Keziah the pictures of the little baby. I did not say anything about the freckle. I wanted to see what her reaction would be. She noticed right away that the baby had a freckle "just like me, mom!", and then went right to oooohhhhing, and ahhhhhing of how cute this little one was.

 

I then told her that the baby's parents are wondering what to do: should they remove the freckle or not. This was what Keziah thought:

 

"They can take the freckle off, but not now. Not when she is just a baby. She is too little. They should wait till she is older, so that she can understand what is going on."

 

I asked her if they should wait till she is the same age that she was when we started the removal, and she said,

 

"Yes. I liked it that I was older and I knew what was happening. I liked it that you could tell me what was happening. I could understand better because I was older."

 

I then asked if they should just leave the freckle alone, let the baby keep her freckle forever.

 

"No. Or else everyone will stare all the time, and say 'what is wrong with your face?' I don't think they should take all of it off either. They should just leave some like mine. Or else she won't have an eyebrow and people will ask, 'Hey, why don't you have an eyebrow there?'. But they should wait until she is older, not now when she is a baby. She won't understand now. I am glad I was older so I could understand."

 

This conversation left us both (my husband and I) in tears. To hear her speak so openly and with such care for this little one was really neat. Clearly, her main concern was that the baby needed to be old enough to understand. She also spoke with such confidence, in a tone of "I know all about this." 

 

We are so proud of this girl. Not because she has eased our concerns somewhat about whether she would grow up angry with us for making the decision to remove. But proud of her in her viewpoints, her concern of others, how she expresses and handles herself, not only through the process of removal, but today, dealing with thoughts that most kids don't need to think about.

 

I know, she is still young yet, so really, how can she give advice?! In reality, while her reasoning for waiting till the baby is older is a good one, it is actually easier to remove (if that's the decision for your family) the younger they are. They don't remember the process and their skin heals so much quicker than if older. But it was just really neat to hear her take on it all. (Just a side note, there are grown ups who have left the facial birthmark alone, and are also very confident in who they are, which is so good!!)

 

We continue to praise God for this gem of a girl. We also continue to thank Him for blessing her through the whole process, leaving her with a positive and mature outlook in life. He has also blessed this girl with a heart of compassion for others. What a gift she is.